Home » Bipolar Disorder » Mixed State With A Serving of Grief

Mixed State With A Serving of Grief

My darling, sweet, fat, snuggly cat Magic was killed by a car two days ago.

magic3

He was there for me whether I was high or low, manic or depressed, excitable or angry or whatever. He was a quiet, loving cat and sometimes boisterous and unlike any other cat I’ve ever owned. I love him so much and my heart is breaking.

I’m in a mixed state, with this grief on top of it. My head feels even more scrambled than usual. Thank god my hubby is here watching out for me. I feel that dark need to take my life. Last night I was so off my face I did something that I’ve never owned up to on my blog before: I cut myself. My arms. I hate sharing that. I find that it’s incredibly difficult for people to understand the self harm thing. Friends who can cope with my ups and downs and moody crapola still don’t know how to cope with the self harming thing. It’s a lonely nastiness that seems to help in the moment, but brings on disgust and shame.

I want my Magic back. I want to stop feeling like this. I want my head to miraculously clear, my mood to level out. I also want a house on 100 acres in the bush, a houseboat and a giant camper to travel Australia with my hubby, my dog and my parrot. All of these things are equally impossibly out of reach. I’ll take one hour at a time and breathe in and out. I’ll choose to live. I’ll check my Facebook messages, do the dishes if I can drag myself to the kitchen, watch DVDs, write in my journal, cook dinner, water my veggie garden, and wish for the billionth time that I could trade my mind in for a more peaceful, quiet one.

be you xx Rachel

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Mixed State With A Serving of Grief

  1. Rachel, I am so sorry to hear this. Please remember that you can reach out to all of us, we are all listening, we all care, and will help you through this pain. Hugs. I mean it. Sarah

  2. Rachel, I am so sorry to hear this. Please remember that you can reach out to all of us, we are all listening, we all care, and will help you through this pain. Hugs. I mean it. Sarah

  3. Rachel, your friends are here and we care. Even though some of us are far away, we wish we could put our arms around you. Love you ❤

  4. Rachel,
    I cannot find a way to express how sorry I feel for you and your pain. To lose your cat and struggle with Bi-Polar has to be one of the most difficult things to endure. Always remember you are loved and cared for. ❤

  5. My heart breaks for you Rach, If only I could grant your wishes. You are a strong women in so many ways, so courages, caring and loving, so much to be desired!! Love you xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s