OMG. It is really hard to meditate when you need to scream. I want to do this meditation which is the next step in an online art course I’m doing called Ever After, but there are things happening in my home that are beating me about the head trying to get my attention. Nothing terrible or horrible, but definitely shouting my name. I want to meditate. Be all chill and arty. Unclench my teeth. Loosen my spine. But hey, no, I have to keep on the alert for what the three other adults in the house are doing and whether they might need me at a moments notice. I might have to Mum or Wife at the drop of a bloody hat.
I love my role in the family, and I always give as much as I can in my mothering and wife-ing. But now I’m in my fifties and everyone is grown up I seem to still be on call in a way that has me on high alert, even when I think hey, it’s my turn and really, I want to art. Thinking that things will change in life without actually making any changes is silly, I know this. I’ve done loads of self awareness work and counselling through my adult decades, I know how this stuff works; you change something then everything around you shifts as well. Not always in ways you expected, but still, there are alterations to the status quo. The new way of being invites more new ways of being and the ripples go out into the world. Argh, at times the ripples can cause quakes and everyone in the house is suddenly snapping and sniping about nothing because we aren’t very good at change, us humans unless we are the masters of that change.
We do like to be the Masters of our own Universe, us bipedal geniuses of global warming and the interwebs. We like to think that we choose our own fate, no matter how obvious it is that things work randomly for and against our wishes, whims and wants. There just is no real way to control the pinball machine of a life we lead. We ping this way, hit the right flipper and watch, open mouthed as the ball shoots past the left flipper instead.
I am very loved, and for that I’m grateful. I’m grateful that people need me. It seems as though I still have lessons to learn about getting what I want, doing what I want, feeling happy to block out the time to be arty me. The word ‘no’, or at least ‘later’ needs to be a mantra I practice maybe in the shower. I’ll be busy for the next hour arting. Please do not disturb unless there’s an emergency, or ice cream. Yes, I can be strong, I can be me, I can have, uninterrupted free time. Maybe I’ll just bake some cookies and some finger foods first, you know, in case anyone gets hungry while I’m doing my thing, because god forbid I should let them make a jam sandwich for themselves. I really need to watch Frozen again and just Let It Go.
be you xx Rach